Reflections on the Job

Ok, I didn't want to have to do this, but if I can't unload here where else can I go? For some of you this may be a shock, but to others, you've definitely seen this coming.

Here it is: I'm completely failing at my job, which means I feel like I'm failing the House of Justice, which is REALLY disheartening.

Being the administrative assistant in the Department of Holy Places is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life, and I wish I was exaggerating. I do not have any of the skills required for this job beyond the fact that I can read English and type. I feel like a complete waste of resources because I was brought here to do a job that I am just not physically or emotionally capable of doing.

I have been trying, oh how I have been trying, to figure out if maybe this is just a transient situation. "Maybe I'll get better, the job will get easier, as I learn the ropes." Well, the more involved I get, the more I realise I am utterly out of my league. Everytime I think I've figured a problem out, it turns out I've done it completely wrong and it has to be done again. Everytime an email comes through that I think I can respond to, I don't follow the correct channels and I have to get reprimanded. Everytime I feel like something is going my way, the rug gets pulled out from under my feet and I'm left feeling inadequate and stupid.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm just whining away because I don't like the job; that's not the case at ALL. The people I work with are fantastic, they've been trying really hard to be understanding and alleviate some of the burdens I've been dealing with, but unfortunately it's just not enough. No matter what I try to do, this is simply not a job that I can do with any measurable amount of success.

And my poor co-ordinator, God bless her, she has been soooo patient with me and we're having very open dialoguing about our situation, but I am letting her down and I know it. I'm at my wit's end about what else to do at this point. Even if I look at spending more hours in the office, spending more time on projects, it doesn't mean that things will be done any better. And that's the most frustrating part.

All I want is to be able to serve in the Holy Land to the best of my ability, but this job is completely the opposite of any of my strengths or experience. I wish I knew how to do things better but I don't. It's in the hands of Personnel now; they are in the process of trying to find another position for me somewhere else in the BWC. I certainly hope it can be done quickly because I don't know how much more personal ineptitude I can stand before I completely break down and have to be institutionalised. (Again, I wish I was exaggerating.)

Please, PLEASE say prayers for me, and for everyone involved in the situation.